{"id":110,"date":"2025-01-30T09:42:06","date_gmt":"2025-01-30T14:42:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.bowditch.com\/allinthefamily\/?p=110"},"modified":"2025-01-30T09:42:06","modified_gmt":"2025-01-30T14:42:06","slug":"what-not-to-do-during-your-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bowditch.com\/allinthefamily\/2025\/01\/30\/what-not-to-do-during-your-divorce\/","title":{"rendered":"What NOT to Do During Your Divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"

This blog frequently provides guidance regarding what divorcing spouses can do to protect their families, assets and income, and themselves during a divorce. Another important topic to consider is what not<\/em><\/strong> to do during a divorce \u2013 and there are pitfalls! Divorce litigants make a variety of mistakes that can hurt them and their case (or their children), many of which are totally avoidable.<\/p>\n

Do not air your divorce online or on social media.<\/h2>\n

If you\u2019ve been hurt by your spouse during your marriage, you may be angry and upset \u2013 harsh words, painful incidents, and hurtful acts like infidelity can cause lasting wounds. You may feel inclined to air your grievances online \u2013 whether on social media or in a blog, on YouTube or TikTok, so that your story is heard and understood by your friends and community. This not advisable when you\u2019re in the middle of divorce litigation \u2013 especially if you have children. If your spouse learns about your online activities, they may be inclined to raise it with the judge, and it does not typically reflect well on the person airing grievances. This is especially true where it could be seen as something you are doing that will prevent you from effectively coparenting and, in extreme cases, could have an effect on what the judge orders in terms of custody. Getting it \u201coff your chest\u201d is not worth it. Instead, talk to a trusted friend or family member, or better yet an experienced therapist, or if you feel the need to write it down, use a private journal.<\/p>\n

Be careful what you put in writing (and this includes text messages, emails, Snapchat PMs, etc.).<\/h2>\n

Anything you put in writing can be used as evidence in front of a judge if you end up in court to have any issues decided by the judge. This can be particularly problematic if child custody issues are contested. Don\u2019t put anything nasty about your ex in writing, and be polite, calm and businesslike in your written communications with your spouse. If you find yourself getting heated, wait at least a few hours, or better yet, overnight, and see if it still seems like a good idea to send that message once you\u2019ve calmed down and have been able to put your anger on the shelf. For any communications with third parties (friends, family, etc.) about your divorce or your ex, have a conversation and don\u2019t put it in writing!<\/p>\n

Hire competent divorce counsel.<\/h2>\n

Some parts of your divorce agreement or judgment may be permanent and not modifiable in the future. Property and liability division (think loans and credit card debt) in particular are usually permanent. For modifiable issues such as custody, a parenting plan, and child support, a judge will likely consider what you agreed to previously (even if you agreed to it without the advice of counsel). It\u2019s worth the time and money to hire competent divorce counsel to represent you in your divorce \u2013 there may not be a \u201cdo over\u201d if you agreed to something that you shouldn\u2019t have, or if you later learn that the agreement you signed didn\u2019t fully protect your interests.<\/p>\n

Do not transfer, gift, or sell property (or otherwise violate Rule 411).<\/h2>\n

Once a party files for divorce or is served with a Complaint for Divorce, Supplemental Probate and Family Court Rule 411 goes into effect and provides that neither party \u201cshall sell, transfer, encumber, conceal, assign, remove or in any way dispose of any property, real or personal belonging to or acquired by either party.\u201d My colleague Robin Lynch Nardone wrote an excellent, detailed post about Rule 411<\/a>, but the primary issue with Rule 411 is that you should not take any steps to dispose of assets, to take on debts that would burden your spouse\u2019s credit, to make changes to beneficiaries of life insurance or retirement accounts, or to remove a spouse or a child from any insurance policies while the divorce proceedings are ongoing.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t disparage your spouse to your children.<\/h2>\n

No matter what your spouse has done, do not disparage your spouse to your children. This can play very badly before a judge. But even if you\u2019re lucky enough to avoid having a judge weigh in on substantive issues in your case and don\u2019t need to worry about what a judge will think about what you said to your children, you shouldn\u2019t disparage your spouse to your children because it\u2019s contrary to your children\u2019s best interests. Children do not need to be involved in grown-up issues and do not need to be burdened with an adult\u2019s concerns and emotions regarding their other parent.<\/p>\n

Put your children first.<\/h2>\n

If you are divorcing and have children, especially minor children, find a way to \u201cgo high\u201d and put them first and their interests before your own. Involving them in the specifics on your divorce, telling them about what\u2019s going on in court, or otherwise involving them in grown-up issues like your divorce can result in long-term negative psychological and emotional effects. Someday, your children will be adults who have the capacity to understand these issues \u2013 it\u2019s not worth the psychological harm that can result from exposing them to these issues as children because you\u2019re upset or because you think they should know \u201cthe truth.\u201d \u201cTruth\u201d is a relative term and children do not need to be told about adult matters, especially if they\u2019re young. Speak with a trusted friend or family member if you need someone to talk to, or better yet, a skilled therapist. And always seek out the advice of a competent family law attorney.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This blog frequently provides guidance regarding what divorcing spouses can do to protect their families, assets and income, and themselves during a divorce. Another important topic to consider is what not to do during a divorce – and there are pitfalls! 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