Many people find themselves in contentious relationships with their co-parent. Managing this conflict can be difficult and frustrating. Below are some tips and tricks that may help.<\/p>\n
When a conflict arises, focus on the underlying problem, not your co-parent\u2019s character. It may well be that the problem is your co-parent\u2019s behavior, but there is a big difference between stating, \u201cwhen you behave this way, it makes it harder to co-parent with you for the following reasons, how are we going to fix that?\u201d and stating, \u201cyou\u2019re a bad person and I hate when you do that.\u201d<\/p>\n
If there is an ongoing source of conflict, rather than blaming the other person or making them the opponent, figure out how to frame the issue to put yourselves on the same side working towards a solution. For example, if the co-parent always drops the children off late for parenting time on a certain day of the week, rather than saying, \u201cwhy are you always late, you were always like this during the marriage, you don\u2019t respect me,\u201d ask questions. \u201cHow could we change the schedule to make it work better for us? What can we do to make the exchange easier?\u201d In this particular context, a \u201cwhy\u201d question might not give you the information you really need, which is how to prevent a problem moving forward.<\/p>\n
Say you\u2019ve been stuck in a pattern of conflict with your child\u2019s other parent for years. You ask them to drop off your child for soccer practice on their parenting time, but they frequently do not. You\u2019re so frustrated that you end up lashing out and criticizing them which prompts them to start yelling and a cycle of conflict has reignited. How to avoid this? Make the conscious choice not to follow the pattern. When your child misses soccer practice the next time, try something new. Ask your co-parent why they are causing your child to miss soccer practice. Ask them how they think that makes your child feel. Ask them how you can help getting your child to soccer practice. Keep in mind what the goal is. In this example, the goal is to get the child to soccer and not to punish your co-parent. Try something new, see how that changes the response and whether the response is better. If so, your experiment has been successful.<\/p>\n
Ultimately, you cannot control other people. The only person you can control is the one who looks back at you from the mirror. Therefore, when the co-parent shows up late again, are you rolling your eyes and making comments under your breath? Or have you prepared by bringing a book to read while you wait and an extra snack for your child? While you might hope that your co-parent will change their behavior, after two years of them being late to a parenting exchange on a Friday, that hope (or expectation) is no longer reasonable. Short of seeking a court order to change the parenting plan, the only thing you can do about it is figure out how to react in a way that does not ruin your weekend with your child and keep you ruminating on your co-parent\u2019s failures for days.<\/p>\n
Now, I hear your concerns about this advice. \u201cWhy do I always have to be the bigger person?\u201d \u201cSo I\u2019m supposed to just tolerate bad behavior?\u201d Well, first, you don\u2019t always have to do anything. You can choose how you respond to circumstances and not reacting well one week doesn\u2019t mean you have to do the same thing the next week. Maybe you have some things you can tolerate and some things you cannot. Perhaps this week you have bigger fish to fry and a 5pm drop off happening at 5:30pm is not truly the end of the world. Or is there a chance that it\u2019s better to talk about this at a different time, without your child present, and you can agree that the Friday exchange is a half an hour later and the return time is a half an hour later?<\/p>\n